Creating is rarely easy

I’m sitting at a desk, in a house on a farm, looking out a window. I’m not watching what’s happening outside the window, even though it is the most glorious day to look upon. It’s so lovely that I could be feeling guilt for not being out there in that day full of sun and early spring greens. Instead I’m watching my cat, sitting on the desk, just behind the laptop I’m tying on. She’s discovering a spider plant and the lady bugs waking up on the window sill.

I’m inside for a bunch of overlapping reasons, but I’m writing because that’s what I put on my schedule today. That sounds so utilitarian and boring. But that’s also truth. I want to get better at doing things. That’s intentionally vague, because I tried to end that sentence succinctly but also there are so many things I want to do better that thought requires more than a sentence.

Murphy (my cat) has moved on from the window and is now playing with her toys behind me. She’ll look up at me and engage in such a way I know she wants to play with me, so I keep picking up toys and letting myself be distracted. This is the hinge point, the crux of me wanting to do better. I get distracted. So damn much, it is something that prevents/spoils/or exhausts me from something else. Which gets me back to being at this desk on a lovely spring day. I want to be better at writing, consistently, about anything.

Writing, painting, self care, growth, my finances, my relationships (all of them) are things (and only a small vague few of them) I want to see positive movement in, and have an active participation in. That’s a hard sentence. Basically the opposite of the vague doozy above. How do you say you want to live your life better, without saying you want to live your life better?

And now for the confession, I’m using an app to help me. Ugh, gross. I used to write out my daily intentions. Which evolved into a steady routine, especially a morning routine. I would sit with a 4×6 note card and write out mostly the same things. However, a month and a bit ago I was depressed. Depressed enough that I watched myself stop doing a routine I cultivated and loved. When I had a few days where I didn’t make my bed (the first thing on my morning routine) I knew I wanted something to help with my life goals. Which meant fixing my routine.

I found something I really like. It’s getting me to do the habits I started, it is also getting me to do some of the habits I’ve dreamed of starting. I wasn’t taught how to do this, project manage anything. Let alone project manage a life, my life. Instead I let it flow past me, only occasionally taking ownership of my life and expectations. Sitting down and looking at my resources, my time and then working out the best uses for them wasn’t modeled for me. The expectations I felt growing up and the choices assumed I would take, do not align with what I want. So I’m making the systems that will support the life I want.

One more time for the me in the back row. Create the systems that will support the life you want.

That hurts. That is sitting at a desk on a nice day. (I also fully support that choice I could have taken, in going outside instead of writing this. All choices have a cost, loving what is mitigates that cost. That’s also a goal, something to get better at, loving what is). These choices are both really pleasant ones (at least this time, with little writers block to contend with) so it’s not a complaint. Just a recognition that growth is often painful. Creating is rarely easy. However, if I want to create or grow I need structure and routine.

Make the system that will support the life I want, this is my mantra for this season. I was using an outdated system for an outdated time. It no longer works and waiting for a system to fall into place no longer interests me, I don’t have the time or energy for that anymore. It now has to be an active part of my daily life, evaluating what works and what doesn’t.

Because another mantra I have (currently written across the calendar on my fridge) is ~ It is always the right time to release that which does not serve you.


Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: