January

I swam in the river of grief and found the ocean. I barely recall what this month looked like. I know I developed chest and back pain that was that physical embodiment of my grief over the loss of Murphy. I was a shell and even now a year later I’m tearing up writing this so I’m going to keep it short. I miss her.

February

Still sad and not a joy to be around. Took a trip to Harrisburg, the day I leave I discover the first bedbug in my apartment. I take a picture of it to send to my landlord and hope that it’s nothing to worry about (foreshadowing: it was) and left on a short trip in an attempt to feel like myself again. I realize on this trip I need to make some changes in my life, but not sure how or what those are yet.

Turns out that the person who was living below my apartment and had been evicted the month prior had bedbugs and they were now infesting the whole building I lived in, including my apartment. I spent the rest of my time here (4 months) in an ever increasing OCD episode.

March

Another month that I kind of can’t quite remember. I know if I went through my phone or photos I could probably piece together what I did, but I think it speaks to my mental state. I was still grieving Murphy and coming to terms with the last month(s) of her life. I was feeling out of place in so many areas of my life, I don’t think I wanted to keep tabs on my sadness. Work, sad. Housing situation, sad. Living situation, sad. Community, sad.

April

This month things really came to a head. I found out that coworkers were trying to get me fired. I was really chalking up my odd experiences at work to me being sad and it turns out that nah, it was actually a couple people trying to fuck with my livelihood.

I really had no fucks left to give. I quit, took my boss’ offer of a severance package and left without a single regret. Though, I do miss a few people I worked with, and the scones.

May

I took this month “off”.

What I actually did… updated my resume and sent it to places I wanted to work. I knew I wanted to move back to Harrisburg so I focused on that. And I wrote an approximately 20,000 word rough draft for a fantasy novel that I’ve wanted to write for about 20 years.

The work paid off because I got an interview at the place I currently work at, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

June

June was a month filled with enough activity for a year. I interviewed the first week in June. Got an offer and accepted it the second week in June. Also found and secured someplace to live the second week. While waiting to move I obsessively cleaned my apartment and everything I owned to rid myself and my stuff of bedbugs (it worked and my brain is sooo grateful). What didn’t get cleaned was thrown out.

Then I moved 250 miles on the Summer Solstice (also the hottest fucking day of my life) and that was basically a year to the day I had moved 250 miles the other direction. (If we’re counting, that’s 3 physical moves in one calendar year, and you know we are counting.)

I rested 2 days then started a new job (which I enjoy but the learning curve those first few weeks were intense, both mentally and physically).

July

Volunteered again with the Harrisburg Fringe Festival and had a great time. Work and life seem to be solidifying for the most part and I’m enjoying myself for the first time in a while.

That being said, there are frustrations and signs that some areas of my life may need tweaking. Looking for security and safety in a world that isn’t (currently) built for those things is an ongoing process. And you work with the knowledge you have at the time and do your best.

August

The summer is whizzing by.

It’s just working and living baebee. That’s all we’re doing and that is fine. I would like to do more creative “things” but not sure what that looks like. That is also ok.

I buy tickets to a movie that is playing in Philadelphia in October. I’m actively working towards ‘vorfreude’ a German word that means “a joyful anticipation of a future event”. Vorfreude is a good sign.

September

Three months back in Harrisburg, three months at the roaster (job) and I’m feeling better than I have in a while. Routine is good for me. Consistency is good for me. I have my three month review at work and at one point it’s less a review and more of a “let’s gas each other up” session. I like work and I think work likes me. This is good.

I’m getting back into consistent community with fun queer friends. I join the local independent cinema as a member and start getting back into going to the movies. I knit a 6ft+ scarf. I come to terms with that it might not be a writing or painting creative season. I look forward to Autumn.

October

This year I turned 46. Forty-five was a hard year. Maybe harder than 41 was, but there’s no way to tell. And I’m getting ahead of myself.

I went to Philadelphia with a dear friend for a super fun and amazing weekend. The tickets I booked back in August were to see D(e)ad the Film by Izzy Roland. I was dead (ha!) excited to see it and it did not disappoint. The whole trip did not disappoint. The movie is available to rent/own online January 5th, 2026 and I can’t recommend it more. I think it was my only 5 star review on Letterboxd for 2025.

While in Philly we also hit up the Art Museum and the Reading Terminal Market. My friend had never been and it was such a delight to explore with them. I love showing people my favorite things and seeing them find joy in it too.

More fun adventures for 2026, just saying.

I went to a Halloween party with old and new friends and had a blast.

November

Work and life still going pleasantly. Still feeling unsettled in a couple areas but I’m feeling good at the start of the month. I’m getting more consistent with yoga nidra. I’m going to a lot of movies, making my membership well worth the money spent. Getting better with journaling, again. Adjusting to the rhythms of the season. Feeling busy and being busy, especially with work. I welcome the busy-ness because I can feel the body remembering how it felt while caring for Murphy as she was essentially dying. I end the month knowing December is going to be hard.

December

December is a story of two “mes”. The one me that was determined to set myself up for success in 2026 and worked diligently towards that. And the me that was always sad and grieving the death of my cat and the year I had with out her. I did not want to do anything for myself this last year. Not truly. I wanted to lay in bed. I wanted to cry everyday. And the days where I realized I didn’t feel sad at all, I felt guilty. I mourned.

Honestly. That was the story of 2025.

If I could sum up what 2025 was about, it is this realization I had recently. My mental health is not my fault, but it is my responsibility. 2025 was doing things because I wanted Murphy to be proud of me. Yes, some days I got out of bed simply because I wanted my dead cat to be proud of me. And I’ll keep doing that in 2026 and probably beyond that.

I want to end this thing saying while there was a lot of hard in 2025, there was an increasing amount of soft. I really love my job. I love working in coffee, learning a whole new aspect of a thing I already enjoyed was a gift this year. I like who I work with and who I work for, that is a rarity in this age and I’m grateful. I like who I am and who I’m becoming and that is a joy. I know what I want for 2026 and I know most of the how I want to achieve it. The broad strokes, and I don’t know many people who can say that right now. I’m doing the boring work, the shedding of the skin, before the other work starts. The work of rushing forward with purpose to the place and person I want to be.

Anyhoops, Happy New Year from this hopeful romantic. May it be full of vorfreude AND fruition.