Trusting the Mystery

Once again I’m revamping my website.  My inner monologue wants to be negative and start a long winded case about sticking with things.  Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, I’m not buying that bullshit anymore.  Change is good.  Trust the mystery.  Each time I start over here I feel like I have a better idea of what I want. This feels like a life lesson, I could be taking notes.

The revamp coincides with a lot of other changes throughout almost all areas of my life.  

Briefly, I recently resigned from my full time day to day job.  Which was a job I hadn’t performed since March 2020.  It was arranged for me to return, however I wasn’t willing to go back into an office environment during this pandemic.  The reality is also that I wasn’t emotionally or mentally prepared to go back into an office.  That’s about all I want to say on that, for now at least.

I had a part time job lined up at a vendor at my local market (which I love and support already, and felt very good about going to a few days a week to make a few dollars).  That job however fell through.  It fell through a day after I turned in my badge at the office.

I feel so at peace with these events.

Last year I created more artwork than I ever have before.  It was an upward trend that skyrocketed as the months passed.  I also sold more than ever before, and felt the genuine support of friends and community around me as I did so.  I had a photograph in the Art Association of Harrisburg’s Juried Show, the second year in a row for me.  A watercolor I did of a musician friend made it into the Susquehanna Art Museum’s show, Creating Joy.  A show about the connection between visual arts/artists and music.

I realized, completed, a series of paintings that I had been thinking of for over two years.  I had such joy finally getting over a level of imposter syndrome and in working on my 1.5 Million Balloons paintings.  Then all 6 of them sold!  That sale led to a commission of 3 more paintings.  Had these moments, and other small ones along the way, not happened I would probably have a lot less peace about being jobless right now.  

2020 was a strange year, it was isolating and exhausting on so many levels.  It also allowed me to get a handle on my debt, unlearn some old ways (more to unlearn), and explore parts of myself that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I were in an office 37.5 hrs a week.  Giving the best parts of myself, during the best times of the day, to something that I wasn’t directly involved in creating no longer is worth my time.

2020 afforded me the time and money to stay home and work on myself and my art.  I feel privileged in so many ways, and rightfully so, to have what I’m viewing as a brilliant and fantastic opportunity to have done exactly what I wanted to (within quarantine limits) for the last ten months.  The taste of “A Room of One’s Own” the pandemic gave me was not enough to stamp out the desire to be and do my own thing.  It fanned that flame instead, into something bigger, something I no longer want to control.

So here it is, I’m trying OFFICIALLY to make my way in this world through creative expression.  I’ve wanted this since I was 10 years old.  That’s how I know it’s a good idea, it comes from a place before syndromes and acronyms society thought were good to describe me and what I should do with my life.  A place where making things, and capturing moments, communicating and expressing ideas were more important than a comfortable bank account.  A thing I have never had anyway. 

The vorfreude (positive anticipation) I have for this is off my chart.  I’ll have to make a new chart.

I have a plan, it’s a little loose, and is rough around its edges.  This plan also mixes metaphors, this we ignore. 

Painting – Photography – Poetry:  These will be my focuses. All things I’ve loved since the before times, since I was 10 – 13 years of age.  PPP yeah, you know me! 

Now I have the time and the internal capacity to put real and tangible effort into them. I’m painting more, photographing more and writing more.  And I’m doing them in ways and at levels I’m really proud of, which is so important.

With these I’m adding things that I’m rediscovering, or discovering in new ways (otherwise known as rediscovering) things like breathwork (pranayama), meditation, movement, and exercise. All of these have showed up in my life in some form since childhood, but never with an emphasis on their roots.  Over quarantine they have become such an integral part of my life that I can’t imagine going forward without them.

My intention is to use this space in a more concrete, less ephemeral way.  That is also part of the plan.  Use this website, share my things, learn from others, grow, lather, rinse, repeat.  So please watch this space.  Update posts are in the works and soon (like really soon) I’ll have prints available of paintings and photographs.  More information and a deeper look into the metaphor mixing plan is coming.

Change is good.  Trust the mystery.


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